Rules of Engagement
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
1. Do not engage in battle with the disordered. Remember, the enemy is defeated by your show of strength. She can only beat you by engaging you in battle. Know your limitations. The best strategy of all is getting them out of your life.
2. Know that you are her target and use someone else to have any contact with her if possible or limit it to the written word. If you have to speak to her, deal with her in public where she’ll perform to her audience. Trap her and her abuse by recording/documenting when in private.
3. If engagement is unavoidable, use the following weapons only!
- mirroring - act like she does. Give her a taste of her own medicine
- get every shred of evidence you can
- do not show fear - refuse to bargain or negotiate
- don’t take her verbal bait - her strongest tactic. Don’t argue with crazy people
- ignore projection, insults, accusations - don’t respond to her blame game
- reply to land-mine comments with calmness.
- Mentally devalue and discard her to give you a good mental edge
- know yourself and understand the reasons why you are involved with her at all.
3. Maintain zero contact. Remember the “Power of Silence”. Do not be drawn into ambush by random firing from the enemy. This is a sure way to take an unexpected, stray shot to the heart.
4. If you fall victim to her war games remember that she will not hesitate to use the children or anyone else as shields.
5. Return fire in short, controlled bursts. She has a very limited supply of ammunition. She has a wide array of weapons to choose from and will not hesitate to use any one or all of them.
6. Be in “Shield’s-Up” mode and on mental red-alert status whenever dealing with her, or do not deal with her at all.
7. Only exchange the bare minimum information required by the terms of the custody agreement.
8. Don’t do anything for her. Don’t ask her to do anything for you
9. Don’t let the enemy know when and how she can push your buttons. Give her enough rope and she’ll often provide you with the opportunity and record or document it. Never let her know anything about you.
10. She is a pathological liar. You may benefit by listening to her lies and projections - she may tip hier hand with something you can use. But don’t believe a word she says.
NARCISSISTS wants to ‘win’ the argument war.
Don’t enter the battlefield. Her ammunition: sarcasm, ridicule, verbal distortion of facts, sulking; accusing you of doing or thinking what she does, tone of final authority, interrupting, not listening, refusing to respond, laughing at your opinion, turning your grievances around to use against you. Changing the subject to her grievances, Criticism that is harsh, undeserved, or frequent, Provoking guilt, Playing the victim, Smirking, rolling her eyes, contemptuous facial expressions, Yelling, Swearing, Name calling, insults, put-downs, Walking out, Towering over you. Walking towards you in an intimidating way, Blocking a doorway. Hurl objects, throw over chairs, punch holes in walls. Other physical intimidation such as getting too close while she’s angry, threatening to leave or harm you.
(Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft)
Getting the silent treatment? “Let me know when you feel like talking N” Act like ‘No big deal’ Take the high road and agree with her. Arguing with Ns is not worth the effort.
Realize that life with the narcissist will have a poor outcome. Get them out of your life. Who wants to live in a verbally-sparring, shield’s up mode. Life’s too short and too full of good things to miss.
